“Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”~ Philippians 4:6
What’s On My Heart – September 24, 2018
I am an EXTREMELY picky eater. Not in a healthy way (and if you’ve read this post you can more clearly understand it when I say I’ve never been a skinny girl). I can count on one hand the vegetables I will eat and I used to say that if it was green I probably wouldn’t like it. My weird food idiosyncrasies have a lot to do with texture and temperature. In general, I like food to be hot and drinks to be cold. I don’t care for sauces (all condiments are out) and in general the “fancier” it is the less I will probably like it.
In my 20’s I was pretty good at trying new things and experimenting to see if my taste buds had somehow miraculously improved. I managed to travel to twelve countries in Europe without starving but ultimately I’ve learned to accept that I like what I like. And in case you are curious what that is…. most baked goods, cheese (real cheese, which in my opinion does not include “American”) and chicken nuggets top my list.
As an adult, my food issues have become a source of constant anxiety for me and not in the way you might think. Among my biggest fears and stress triggers, are social situations where I will be expected to eat food that I did not select myself. The thought of going to a dinner party makes me nauseous. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone or feel like I’m being judged for what ends up remaining on my plate untouched. But almost worse than that feeling is reaching out ahead of time to make sure that I’ll actually be okay with eating what is offered.
Yes, I typically eat before going to a situation like that because we all know that hunger can certainly escalate an already stressful environment. But that doesn’t alleviate the embarrassment that I feel internally for not being like everyone else. For not just sucking it up and swallowing the dang food (pun is totally intended). But friends, the gag reflex is real and the only thing worse in my twisted mind than the anxiety that comes along with not eating in these situations is the thought of what would happen if I actually threw up on people at the party.
These feelings especially hold true when it comes to engagements with people I don’t know super well but they bubble to the surface even when dealing with family events with my in-laws. Yes, I would love to celebrate Mother’s Day with you but no thank you to the beautiful Eggs Benedict you spent so much time preparing.
Alas, this week I am joining up for some fellowship with a Mom’s Group through my church. I don’t know any of the people in my group and it includes a brunch that someone within the group has prepared for the rest of us. Gulp. I’m TERRIFIED. It is so difficult to connect with and develop real female friendships (especially I think as we get older) and the last thing I want is for this big ugly defect I feel I have, to be the first thing that everyone gets to learn about me.
I know that most of you reading this will find my picky food issues difficult to relate to, but I think all of us have that thing that exploits our insecurities more than anything else. Because the food and whether or not I eat it isn’t the problem. The problem is my anxiety around being comfortable being myself in a social setting and worrying so much about what other people think of me.
So I’m praying for grace. Praying that I can hand this anxiousness over to God so that I can walk into this new group of other moms with an open heart and open mind.
What I’m Watching: Season premiere of Survivor “David v. Goliath”
What I’m Reading: Where the Crawdads Sing – Delia Owens
“Names of God” study through She Reads Truth
What I’m Praying About: I’m praying to overcome some of my personal social fears and insecurities in this current season.